Year of the Stupid Sweater

Fashion has taken an infantile turn lately, have you noticed? Shorts with socks. Ruffle butts. Rompers. Onesies. Crayola-bright denim, corduroy, even leather. And critters, critters, critters. Last year (and this year too) everything was covered in tiny owls or cats or birds or frogs--I admit, I myself have swan and dog critter pants. Then it seems the little critters began to eat each other, and the ones who didn't get eaten grew bigger and bigger and wound up front and center on every sweater in the universe. Yes, the sweaters that, not so very long ago, were worn only to ugly sweater parties on the rare occasions they could even be found in sizes larger than 2T, have taken over the world. It's one big ugly sweater party. Woooo!

The problem with critter sweaters is that cute critter almost never translates into cute sweater. For example, kittens are cute. However, a deformed blob-kitten stranded in a sea of poly-acrylic bouclé is not cute, because not only is it not an actual kitten, it doesn't even look like one, and this is true of 99% of critter sweaters.

Let's take a look, shall we?

Limbless Bunnies
 
What they lack in paw they more than make up with tail.


Asphyxiated Chicken Balancing a Ripe Tomato On Its Head As It Is Blown About in a Sandstorm



Assy Cats



Moldy Leopard

This one actually makes my skin crawl.


Falling Feline

Have you even seen a cat hanging from a telephone line by its front paws? If you did, wouldn't your reaction probably be to scream in horror and run away before kitty landed on your head? Or is this a Rorschach test and there is no cat? Let me look again--okay, now I see a giant squash hanging from a line by two clothespins. Or is it a mammoth turkey drumstick tied to a parasol hanging from a line by two clothespins. Well then. Never mind about the doomed cat.

Christmas Blob

This blob on legs appears to be lost in the dark.

Weepish

It says SHEEPISH because it's made of wool, and wool comes from SHEEP! And look, there are SHEEP on it! And if it's on YOU, that means you are SHEEPISH too! But let's face it, a person prone to embarrassment would swallow a cyanide capsule before they'd put this on. So. . .

Disintegrating Doggies

You can almost feel the little doggie bits falling off the sweater onto the floor!

Marketing 101

When all else fails, put a heart on it. It can even be lopsided and a hideous color. People will still buy it.

Disemboweled Sparrow

Fresh blood is traditional with plaid.

IH8CATZ

This cardigan does not say you love cats. It says you hate cats and think they are ugly because you think they look like this.

Electrocuted Squirrel

It probably got caught on the same wire that did in the Falling Feline. Or maybe it was the first squirrel to be executed in the state of Texas.

Benchswine

There's a dachshund sitting on me right now. This is not a dachshund. I think it may be the result of breeding a pig with a wooden bench.

Wonky Wolf

Who wouldn't want a cross-eyed wolf watching over their uterus?

Counting Sheep

One, two, yep, three decades since the 80s.

Frozen Dog Head

Love this! It's so Greely Expedition!

Mr. Nicepaws is Dead

My cat threw up on my pashmina, so I killed him and draped him over my shoulders. Pretty warm, but I really liked that pashmina.

Blind Elephant
If you have ever taken a drawing class, you are probably familiar with blind contour. If you haven't, blind contour is drawing without looking at your paper. It's used primarily as a teaching tool, because blind contour drawings look like this:

and this.



Part II: Stupid sweaters that say stupid things! For the days when a wounded mutant animal is not enough!

Shut Up!

"No, YOU shut up, Sweater!" Ooh, witty repartee with a crewneck!

Girl

Are any CIA recruiters reading this? Because I want to join. I want to run my life on a need-to-know basis. I'm totally okay with secrets, lies, and isolation as long as I can blot out the existence of this oversharing sweater. "You're saying you see what appears to be a Girl, wearing a stupid sweater that says "Girl" on it? I don't see anyone. I don't see anything. I don't know what you're talking about. I suggest you lay off the booze though. By the way, we never had this conversation." See, I can do it, but I can't do it alone! Please, I want to join!

Math Sucks

Can't you picture yourself boldly striding into a--high school algebra class, and confronting the--teacher, in your controversial statement-making sweater! What if they--what if they--rolled their eyes! Imagine the adrenaline rush, the high of living on the edge!

Never Look Front

I would prefer to never look front.

I could go on forever. Innumerable new ones are popping up daily. I just can't keep up, but below is the info for the sweaters listed. There is a stupid sweater for every budget and every taste, so whether you want to spend 300 dollars or 30, whether you fancy a blood-soaked bird or a frozen dog, or just feel a burning desire to tell strangers, "Girl", you're off to a great start.

1. Limbless Bunnies, Topshop, $92. 2. Asphyxiated Chicken, J. Crew, $95. 3. Assy Cats, Mulberry, $698. 4. Moldy Leopard, Topshop, $84.00. 5. Falling Feline, Topshop, $80. 6. Christmas Blob, Topshop, $100. 7. Disintegrating Doggies, Keds at Opening Ceremony, $325. 9. Marketing 101, J. Crew, $90. 10. Disemboweled Sparrow, ASOS, $61.57. 11. IH8CATS, A Wear, $52.77. 12. Electrocuted Squirrel, ASOS, $46.61. 13. Benchswine, Aimée by People Tree, $116.97. 14. Wonky Wolf, ASOS, $70.36. 15. Counting Sheep, Old Navy, $29.94. 16. Frozen Dog Head, Whistles, $219.88. 17. Mr. Nicepaws Is Dead, ASOS, $56.29. 18. Blind Elephant, Paul & Joe, $535.  19. Shut Up!, ASOS, $52.77.  20. Girl, River Island, $25.51. 21. Math Sucks, Wildfox, 314.86.  22. Never Look Front, Forever 21, $22.80.